"When you called me to be a Mama, You didn't ask for perfection. But that with every breath, I'd point them to You."

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

I don't have a punching bag... so I'm writing this blog.

"They say God doesn't give you more than you can take - I just wish He didn't trust me so much."

That has been on repeat in my head for the last week. We have been put through a lot since last Monday morning. And every day I have said -- well -- tomorrow has to be a better day... and then I'm proven wrong. So today -- I'm saying it again. Tomorrow has to be better. Heck, even tonight has to be better than last night.

I'm writing this entry because... well... for one thing, I haven't updated the blog in a while. And secondly... misery loves company. And I know that there are other mommies out there who read this. So this is written for you to remember that on your bad days - or even your bad weeks - that you are not alone. Heck, you could even bookmark this entry for you to come back to and read on the days that you want to pull your hair out. I've been pulling my hair out for a couple of days now. Brandon has literally been pulling some of my hair our the last few days. So -- you are not alone.

It started with the forecast last Monday. Blizzard warnings were issued, my incredibly busy work schedule got thrown out the window with the wind, and Jaden started coughing. I think when it starts snowing, I need to ban myself from Facebook. Because almost every status update I read is from teachers or students excited they'll get some days off -- or from people who can't wait to get home from work and be snowed in with their significant others - cuddling on the couch, catching up on their DVR shows, sipping red wine. I literally get angry sometimes. Don't these people realize that there are those of us who suffer when it snows? Snow to me means - hectic mornings trying to get ready for work without Cody there to help. It means having a cranky husband who hasn't slept for days and is tired of working in the middle of the night. It means sad questions from Jaden asking - "Where's Daddy?" Snow to me means my family is apart - my husband is tired - my kids are cranky - and Mommy is stressed. (It also means good money for Cody's business --- but that's hard to think about when I catch my 11 month old son covered in melted chocolate ice cream on our way out the door as I'm already running late for work because I've been taking care of the boys and the home by myself for the third straight morning). So -- there's that. The blizzard. Since last Monday night, Cody has had one night off. Last Friday night. Every night since then he has had to go out in the middle of the night for at least a few hours. They have a lot of snow removal accounts - which again is great for business - not so great for my sanity. Or his.

Then my kids got sick. Really sick. Jaden came down with a really bad cold - a horrible cough - and a fever by Friday morning. Friday was supposed to be his last day at the only daycare he's ever known since he was a baby. (That's a whole different story - and probably will turn out to be another blog entry topic) ;) Cody had to be at work - I had to be at work to turn in my 2011 budget. (Really? That was the last thing I wanted to be focused on at that point) -- and my mom - who normally is our "back up" babysitter when the kids are sick -- was in Cedar Rapids. Because on Friday morning - on top of everything else - my grandpa passed away. My mom is now parent-less. I am now grandparent-less. And I had nowhere for my sick little boy to go. I called my dad. Thank goodness it was the one day that he didn't have 12 meetings scheduled for work. He was able to take the day off to spend some quality grandpa-grandson time with Jaden. We sent Brandon to daycare - and I went to work spending the day at my desk trying to put together our budget in between trying to stop the tears from coming after just finding out about my grandpa. It was a very long day. By Friday night, Brandon's cold was getting worse, Jaden wasn't any better, and I was bracing myself for a very long weekend, as well. Saturday Cody was gone a good chunk of the day doing a home inspection. Our basketball team lost to Drake. We shouldn't have lost to Drake. Saturday night it snowed. Again. Not a lot - but enough so that Cody had to work a good chunk of the day on Sunday, too. By Sunday afternoon my kids looked miserable, acted miserable, and I'd had enough. Cody took them to convenient care when he got done working. We were lucky - no strep throat, no ear infections... but coughs so bad that they both had to receive steroid shots to try and help with the cough. We also received a warning from the doctor - "no daycare on Monday." Monday - the day they were supposed to start at their new daycare. The day of my grandpa's visitation. The day Cody was supposed to be able to catch up on sleep. Now he was stuck at home with two very cranky kids who were sick of being stuck inside - sick of being sick. I went to work until noon and then headed to Cedar Rapids for Grandpa's visitation. Last night was spent filling out all of the paperwork for the new daycare, buying diapers to send along, cleaning bottles to send along -- and praying that the kids would be healthy enough to go to the new place this morning. Cody also had to go into work at 10:00 last night... but hoped to be able to sleep all day today. Ha.

2:00 this morning Brandon starts crying. Cody had just gotten home - we go in to check on him, and he's running a fever of 100. Seriously?? I went back to my bedroom for two minutes, laid on my bed, and got mad at God. I'll admit it. I said a very very sincere but heated prayer - "give us a break - give my kids a break - please!" Then I took care of my fussy little guy. In the process of all of this... I forgot to set my alarm to wake me up this morning. I woke up at 7:30 -- all three of my guys still sleeping -- and panicked. In order to get to work on time and get my kids dropped off at daycare -- I have to leave the house at 7:15. I still had to shower, pack up the car with all of their daycare stuff, wake my kids up, assess their health, get them dressed, get them their medicine, etc. Not to mention -- I had to leave them at a brand new house with brand new people, and they still aren't completely feeling like themselves. Then Cody tells me he has to go into work at 11:00 today instead of being able to sleep. It's never ending. At least that's how it feels.

As I type this, I have received a couple of updates from the new daycare - Jenn - she says Jaden is doing good helping her bake cupcakes. Brandon is a little needy and wanting to be cuddled -- but that's to be expected when he's at a place he doesn't know and is cutting his ninth tooth. (Yes - he's teething on top of everything else). And I am sitting here saying... things have to be better tomorrow.

Days like today - weeks like this past week - I am more than ever grateful for my faith. Because even when the days don't get better when I think they should... I know they will in His time. I have faith - therefore I have hope. And I also have a wonderful family, an adorable little 11 month old who has taken a few steps towards walking by himself the last few days, and a fantastic three year old that looked at me when I got home from saying goodbye to my grandpa last night and said, "I missed you Mommy!"

I have faith... therefore I have hope. And... there is a bottle of red wine in my refrigerator waiting for me... just in case I ever need it.